In an empty room

In an empty house

In the empty head

That I call my home

With a soul too full

To fill A fire

Warms too hot

In touching I’ll burn my hands upon it

I back away

But the room, it is icy,

A cool chill on my thoughts

Icicles hang

Clear and frozen droplets of thought

In suspended animation

Crystal and diamond mirrors

Unmarred prisms

That I can’t touch

Fire and Ice

Twin banes of my soul

If ever the ‘tween shall meet, a flood

And I shall drown, carried away by the frothy tide

Though in keeping this balance

A stagnation

Caught between burning and freezing, I learn

Nothing as days slip past this glassine window

A red dawn to a purple night

With blackness and sunlight between

Each turning of the sun as the one before

Every fear in my heart, just a point of light

In that inky sky

I look from that window

As the stars fade to darkness

And I beg for the changing

That I most fear

That I may survive it

Though too scared to cause it

To shatter this window

And drink through the fine cracks

The free air again

So long I’ve been trapped here

Forgotten the way out

Forgotten the outside

Forgotten the spring

The buds on the tree-branch

The song that the birds sing

The light through the rainbow

That spring rains may bring

I long for that light now

In this glowy darkness

A place that I could leave

If I recalled how

But the dark it’s not lasting

And the daylight will shine soon

To slice through the shadows;

The things I most fear

Yet here in pre-dawn

The just-bluish blackness

It’s hard to believe that,

That daylight will come

I wish for your hand now

To shatter this darkness

Seems when I most need you

You’re not to be found

I must make a choice now

To go or to stay lost

As my boot hits the fire

I start to pray

I wish you were here now

As the room fills with steam now

The icicles melting

The sound of the drips

They shatter the silence

And boom through the cavern

As the room fills with water

I’ll learn to swim now

But change is worth drowning

If I find I cannot

I’ll face the darkness

The deepening water

The fire that freezes

The heat and the smoke

I’d tell you I fear not

But that’d make me a liar

I’m scared for myself now

And all that I know

But still I’ll move foreward

And hope for the dawning

The unseen horizon

Of all that’s to come

Nothing is sure now

With the wind and the water

The glass and the darkness

But still I can hope

A test of my own strength

My muscles burning

And quickly exhausted

As I struggle to float

But that hope I will cling to

The rope when I tire

To keep me grounded

And drown out the fear

A nightlight

That is all

To ward away monsters

The things that will jump out

From under the bed

Now the dawn, it is breaking

That swift, silent morning

And shows me I still live

Through that hellish night

I rise to my feet now

That water receeded

A stairway has opened

From this hellish room

I step through the door way

Down one of the old steps

Of moldy green planking

To me it is gold

There’s sun at the bottom

I pause to look back up

Then step through the doorway

And into the light

For a friend, with whom I spoke this evening. And expression of sympathy, which I posted here once before. But it is time to bring it out again, I think. It's about....choices, questions with no answers, when you face two paths and fear neither is right. And you can't, for the life of you, see which way to go. I felt that in writing this, quite a while back, as I recall. And so I leave you to it.

Questions in Twilight

What do you do when you can’t go back?

What do you do when the future is dark?

When every path stretches never-ending into shadow

When you no longer have any way out

How you deal with the darkened silence

When all the world seems gray

And sunlight, though it rises, is hidden in the mist

When your steps are not your own

And you’re too tired to go on

But if you fall, you fall forever

So don’t trip

What happens when you realize there’s no going back?

How do you go on when you can’t see tomorrow?

And worst of all you know,

It’s your fault that you’re here.

And you are the one person that can’t help you get out.

When day and night mix, lost in the gray,

How will you sleep?

And when will you wake on the morrow?

Wow, look, another update, and so soon. Yeah, I'm bored. So I'm not all that into this intruduction thing at the moment, but I wrote this last Christmas, at the start of what was to become one crazy new year. So here it is.

Before We Looked for the Strings

Can we ever go back?

To become again what we were

When our lives weren’t so complicated

When the world held wonder

And we neither thought nor worried about tomorrow

The first blanket of winter snow held boundless joy and play

When we though only of sled-riding, and not how to get to work through the cold and ice

I loved the snow before I had to drive in it

Coming down the stairs on Christmas morning

It didn’t matter how many presents there were, or what was under all that shiny paper

Santa remembered, that was enough, proof that there was magic in the world

Tangible evidence that all that unseen and only dreamt of was possible

When even the simplest magic trick held fascination

Before we looked for the strings

Until we knew that all magic was a trick

That all the world a cloak and dagger lie

And then we knew

We understood, and took one more step on the winding road to maturity

Alas, there is no Neverland

Perhaps it isn’t wrong; it’s nothing but inevitable

But haven’t you ever wanted to go back?

Go back to the dreams you started with

To see the world through your own eyes

Long before you were the “you” you see in the mirror?

When every minute of every day was a new possibility of discovery

When you refused naptime instead of begging for it

When you believed in magic

And loved the snow

And ran for the love of the wind in your hair, not because you are late for class

Responsibility was a word that slipped right off your shoulders

Instead of sitting there like the well-known raven

Croaking “Nevermore”

When your Christmas rush involved deciding what to ask for from Santa

Trusting that your wish would be received

When thinking of family gatherings gave you a thrill of happiness, not the start of a headache

A brief moment when you only had to be in one place at a time, not three

And there were always enough hours in a day

A simpler time

A time long since past

A childhood gone, but not forgotten

Many things we have gained and lost in the passing of the years

Each minute born as the old one dies

And with each strike of the hour we have changed

We may look back, and for the briefest instant regain that self that we called “I” in days long past

But we may never again become that one; what time has changed we cannot undo

A clock clicks only forward

Maybe that’s the better way

But haven’t you ever wanted to go back?

Look, look, it's an update. Where? Yeah, I know, it's been a while.....ok, a long while. Sorry about that, peoples. So do me a favor and give me a yell if you haven't given up on reading this yet b/c A. It sucks, or B. I haven't updated in like three years. But anywhoo, let's give this thing a whirl. Ok, this one takes some explaination. It's not all that recent, but it's one of like three poems I've written in reference to love (i know, i know, shut up). But it's not about who and what you thing it's about, that's all I'm saying. I just wrote it....because I could. Ok, guess that's it for now. Like I said, drop me a comment if you're still here. And here we go again....

These Old Walls

These old walls.

Close in around me

This old house

Is quiet and empty

Each creak of each dusty floorboard calls your name

Since they day you left its streets,

This dirty old town seems so much smaller

And in freedom, I find there is less to do

All is as nothing

The sun has no warmth

Spring’s first grass no green

The bluest of sapphire skies seems veiled

The clearest of days is gray

Even the bejeweled stars in their icy loveliness

No longer split the sky to strike my heart

A silly girl’s song, a freshly plucked daisy

All turn to ash in my mind

My favored darkness, that echoing night

Child’s dreams and the romance of youth

Of knights and widow’s walks

And long strolls beneath the watchful sky

Light a fire in my mind

A fire that wilts with the distance

As each passing day carries you away

Until it fades to embers that burn with a golden light

Bright but full of pain

How is it that I, so aloof now need

The sound of your voice, the feel of my hand in yours

To see your eyes when I close mine,

A month ago I would never have thought

How is it that I, who have never needed anybody, need you so much

And in spite of my pride admit

That I can’t go on alone

How can I love the sun, when each shining ray sees you further from home

And me

How can I not embrace the night, when its darkness is all that we share?

How can I stay in this old house, this old town,

When each footstep in these streets reminds me that you aren’t by my side

My thoughts turn to you

And here I sit

Breathless

In a Hell quieter than a whisper

Alone

I shall watch the full moon through my window-pane

And wait

In silence until your footsteps once again carry you home

Or darkness clouds my world forever

Holy crap. Ok, enough with this uber-personal, depressing crap. Time for something a little happier. I wrote this last fall and even though it's spring now, it reminds me of fall and I think that's cool. Also, I believe that this is the only thing I've written so far that mentions band in any capacity. Took me until now to get a satisfying end going, but I think it's better now. New challange for you guys too. I'm just curious about who's still out there reading this masterpiece of egotism, but I know there are only so many comments one can leave. But again, I haven't gotten a comment in weeks. So, to make Amy feel better about herself leave a comment. But not just any comment. Because I'm a giant dork you have two choices. Either 1. cop out and just say "Hi" (cheater) or 2. leave me a band memory. Come on, I know it's stupid, but it could be fun....or something. This blog has tons of comment space that needs filling and besides, if we don't write this stuff down, we're going to forget. Heck I'm already starting to forget. Oh, and p.s. if you happen to be a drumer who was too good to come hang out with us band geeks and refused to join high school band, a reenacting story will suffice......loser. (Sorry, had to. Kidding. Only kidding.) :) Ok, so I've been talking for a while. Here's the dang poem already.

Fall Over the Horizon

On the air there is a scent

The smell of damp earth and decaying leaves

That always makes me think of apples, fresh-picked and juicy

Pennsylvania apples plucked by my hand from the tree

They taste like fall

The breeze carries a touch of chill

More pronounced with the coming of night

Promising that winter is soon to come

But before it arrives with its gray starkness and dazzling blanket of silent white

All the world explodes in color

Every tree dripping fire

It is a world of delicate beauty

Made all the more glorious by its brevity

Nature’s last hurrah and soon to fade as one-by-one the trees succumb

To the bitter wind, biting cold now at last

Fingertips of chill plucking at hoods and seeking purchase under doorways

To be driven back only by the spicy scent of baking pies and hot apple cider

Or hand-warmers and hot chocolate to those who know band best

In stadiums where flat instruments and frozen fingers cheer a team to victory

Until frosted jack-o-lanterns glistening in the morning light

Harold the coming of winter

And this bright, loud, gorgeous time draws to an end with the first flake of snow

Not enough to put shirts on the blue-painted bodies of drunken Penn State fans, perhaps

But enough to make one dream of tropical beaches and warm fires, of brighter days and shorter nights

But alas winter is here, Persephone has descended to her gloomy home

And under a snow-white blanket we must slumber

Waiting with the bare-limbed trees in darkness

Until we are awakened once more by the gentle rays

Of far-off spring’s first warm, sunny day

Well this one's a bit more personal than most. This is an older one from highschool. Yeah, it's kinda....there. So I'll say not more about it, take it as you will.

There is a wall inside of me

A line in the sand I cannot cross

I try

You must know that I try

But the wall is made of glass

Not clear, but tinted so that I can see out

But no one can see in without having their face pressed against it

And it’s slippery as hell

I can’t climb it; I just slide down the surface

There are no handholds, no marks in the shiny facade

Sometimes I forget it’s there and run for the field beyond

Only to smash into the crystalline wall like a crow flying into a window doused with Windex

Like one of those silly TV commercials

How do people see me?

Do I seem cold behind my wall?

Once, it protected me

Now, it only imprisons me

For I have lost the key that opens the door

And behind my wall I am alone

I feel….

But I cannot escape

….or is it that I fear to leave?

Ok, you need this poem to understand part of the next one, because I...*gasp* wrote a sequel to One Last Goodbye, which is really and expansion of the ideas in this poem, and this poem is referenced in that sequel. I know, a sequel is weird. I know it's crazy, and like most sequels, it is a pale version of the first. Yeah, don't really know why I wrote it, other than that I just felt like it at the time. So I'm going to post these two together since they go together and stuff. The first, A Leap of Faith is something I wrote about graduation about seven months before we actually did. Amazing how some of what I said came true, a lot of it actually. Before you read the second one Between Us, you might want to re-visit One Last Goodbye. I know that Between Us is not as good as One Last Goodbye, but tough cookies, I wrote it for a purpuse, I wrote it because...................I...felt like it. Ok, ok, so that's a bad reason. Too bad, I'm posting it anyway, so there. First thing's first...

A Leap of Faith

We are standing on a cliff
What lies at the bottom we cannot know
It’s a leap of faith
And some will fall and some we will leave behind
Some we will lose in the darkness
It is an inevitable part of life, this test
Our world is about to change forever
This chapter is closing and it can never be opened again
We say nothing will change
But it will
A few months only for friends to become strangers
To fade from our lives and get left behind
As we travel into that glaring future
So bright as to dazzle the eyes
We will reach tomorrow
But we will never again regain today
And at the end of the day the memories of this time, these people, and this place will be all that remain
Tomorrow must erase today
So bid goodbye, my friends, to all you know
Close your eyes, hold your breath

And jump.

Ok, time now for the other one.

Between Us

A year ago today

A year ago today we stood

And with lonely hearts spoke one last goodbye

How far we’ve gone on our separate paths

But how true the warning that I gave that day

When we meet there is silence, awkward and dense enough to touch

Separate experience stands between us

New friends, new places, new lives

There is too much to share,

Too much to ignore

And now we know it will never be the same as it was

We’ve scattered so far, and changed so much

More than even I knew that day

Some we’ve lost and some we’ve left behind

Some have fallen in darkness

When I spoke those words I did not understand

How it would feel, where we were going

To separate trials and separate pain

I knew we might lose each other

But I never thought we’d lose ourselves

I guess we weren’t ready after all

That mountain is high and none of us, it seems

Can cross that snow-capped peak without getting a touch of frostbite

A year ago I was right, I knew the risks

The trials we might endure

But knowing and understanding

Are two very separate things.

We are all a little lost on this great mountain

Floundering as the day sinks to twilight,

That sunny afternoon where we bid our friends goodbye has long since gone

And this mountain is cold in the darkness

Yet foreword we must go, through the icy night

The memory of that warm glen where we parted company

A light amid the darkness, a reminder of the home we once had

The lives that we once shared

But they will get us through, though for now the world seems dark

And we shelter in the memories of the world we used to know,

The shining ties of friendship that once held us together

And so we push on through this freezing darkness

Hoping beyond all hope that we will all reach the end

That day will break

To a golden dawn

And that all will turn out well

When we see each other again

On the other side of tomorrow